The Grieving Loss of Being Ghosted

The Psychological Effects Drawn from an Inability to Have a Hard Conversation.

In the digital age of swiping left or right to filter through our likes and dislikes ghosting has become commonplace. A term used when someone decides after a couple of months of dating or being friends to stop replying to you. They just delete you from their life with no explanation. It’s harsh, it’s rude, and it indicated a lack of skill to handle a confrontation. 

If you’ve ever been ghosted you know terrible it feels. Sure it’s the easy route for the ghoster, but it is done without any consideration for the thoughts and feelings of the other individual being ghosted.  Zero thought about the panic and worry it brings into the receiver’s life. They think they’ve done something wrong, and are offered no explanation. This leads to over annalizing the situation and reaching out to no avail, maybe too much. They are seeking closure and approval from someone who has no social skills on how to handle a hard conversation. 

Ghosting has been linked to suicide and depression. The ghoster has created an unhealthy problem in someone out of their own inability to communicate. 

Ghosting is Passive Aggressive

Ending any relationship is tough. Even when both parties know it’s time, having that conversation is challenging. The idea to just disappear from someone’s life is a cop-out and we all know it. The other person deserves closure. 

As a society, we are not accustomed to being uncomfortable. We don’t like to work hard for the things we want, like a great job, a happy relationship, a beautiful home. We want what we want now and see everything (and worse!) everyone as disposable. So when situations come up where we are forced to face the music of our life it’s easier to just run away. 

This is always an option. But know it’s the option of those who have determined that others’ lives, feelings, and emotions are not worthy of closure. A ghoster is telling you that they are not capable, and it has little if anything to do with the receiver. 

Getting Comfortable with Hard Conversations

If you want any kind of long-term success in your life you must get comfortable with hard conversations. 

If you want to be seen and loved then you must be willing to be seen and loved. 

This takes you being open to vulnerability and trusting that others can handle those hard moments too. Walking away from a relationship, a job, a friend, without any explanation is a deeper reflection on you. And you are willingly leaving the other open to hard emotional doubt. 

Simon Sinek talks about how we are raising a generation of humans who have been taught to value money over people. How we are sending them into the workplace with no communication skills that all leaders need to succeed. Skills like the ability to have a hard conversation instead of walking away. 

Anybody you know who has good friends, a happy marriage, or a job they love got there because they stuck with it, and chose to work through hard moments. 

I’m not talking about staying with an abuser or making things work at a toxic job or with a toxic human. I’m talking about showing respect for another being. 

You Are Not Alone

The first time I heard the term “ghosted” a flood of emotion came over me. I finally understood what I was going through when a long-time friend disappeared from my life. I found myself focusing on what I could have done or said to deserve this odd form of abuse. I questioned whether I deserved it and settled on that I did. I let their silence eat away at my self-worth and started to see myself as less than. I ended up giving this person free rent in my mind until they became a central part of my daily spiral about why I wasn’t good enough.

I was confused, sad, angry, and powerless. 

I felt like a friend had died, yet I continued to see them living their best life on social media. I had to work through this grief. Coming to realize that the real grief was that I gave my power to an old relationship instead of fueling my energy towards all the good that surrounded me. 

Working through emotions

The hardest part for me was that this was someone I trusted and loved for many years. I was hurt that they thought I wasn’t mature enough to handle a conversation they didn’t want to have. It took me years to see that it was them who couldn’t handle saying goodbye, not me. 

If you have been ghosted you understand how this can trigger your own personal beliefs about worth and can leave you seeking acceptance from someone proven to be unworthy of your time and attention. 

Ghosting has deep-rooted effects on how we function as a society and what is considered natural and normal. It is up to us to have the courage to have these hard conversations so we can recognize when relationships, jobs, and friends, are worthy of our time and attention. Having hard conversations benefits everyone. It gives everyone an opportunity to grow and learn. Ghosting does none of that and leaves everyone involved feeling unfulfilled. 

Knowing Your Worth

Being ghosted by someone I love sucked.  But ultimately it taught me a lot about self-worth. I am capable of hard conversations, and I love myself enough to know that anyone who sees me as disposable has no room in my life. 

You are worthy of healthy positive relationships too. I don’t care how long someone has been in your life. If they treat you as an option to be ghosted then you deserve better. 

You have the choice in every moment to take the coward’s way out or do what’s right and embrace those hard moments. For they are what define you as a person of worth. You have so much potential inside of you that shouldn’t be wasted on questioning what you will never know from a ghoster. Move along, and find those who want to dig deep into the soil of life and live with meaning. One that is messy with love, vulnerability, and trust. 

Breathing Through the Emotions

Breathwork is my tool for success. I can handle hard moments because I’ve learned to step back and breathe. Give yourself an opportunity to pause and be the moment. Don’t hit delete on another human. Take a deep breath and state your truth. It will do wonders for your confidence. 

And to the ghosters of the world, I encourage you to try again. To do better. To expect more of yourself and the relationships you foster. For how you treat another says more about you than it does about them.

Walking Toward the Light!

Moving Energy from Fear to Love

Fear is hardwired into modern society. From the time we are walking, we have been told no roughly 400 times a day! This alone sets our brain up to live in a way of fear. Most of us don’t even know that there is another way to live. 

You can choose to live your life from a place of love and you don’t need to wait for a disaster to hit to do it. Health scares are among the top reasons people chose to live differently, but you don’t need to wait for a health crisis to revolutionize your life. 

Take control of your life before tragedy hits 

Wake up and stop walking the path of fear. If you are staying in a job or hanging on to a relationship out of fear I am pleading with you to stop. 

I understand why you’re doing it, but we all know where these roads lead.

What lights you up? Not what you think should light you up. Many of us choose a career or a partner because of fear, and we are never taught anything different.

I was at the park last week and a little girl was showing her mom a stick arrangement she had made in the mud. Her mom was taking a picture of her daughter next to it when the little girl proclaimed with a twirl, “I’m going to be an artist!”

The mom, without hesitation, responded, “Not unless you’re married to a doctor honey. You don’t want to be poor do you?”

Even as I write this I’m getting teary-eyed. What if the next Picasso just got buried in that mud. A part of my heart did. A part of all of us does. 

  • When you were first called ugly your thoughts on comparison started. 
  • When you were first told you were fat, body dysmorphia began. 
  • When you were first called dumb, you began to question your self-worth.

Even the mom, who wants the best for her little girl, is placing her fears onto her daughter. 

But there is another way! 

The fear you feel about being alone, or unloved, or not enough can be transformed into something beautiful by choosing to walk the path of love. 

  • You don’t have to push your body too hard at the gym to punish yourself for eating unhealthy the day before.
  • You don’t have to stay in that toxic relationship because it’s going to be hard to leave and risk being alone.
  • You don’t have to put up with an unhealthy work environment because the money is good.
  • You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness out of fear. 

All of the things you’re currently doing out of fear can go away when you decide to change the energy around them. When you decide to transform your mind to a new philosophy and move from fear to love, the energy you carry around things will change.

It starts with awareness.

Once you are aware of your fear-based thoughts the energy around them begins to change. Once acknowledged, it is no longer hidden away in the dark. Light brings a different energy and sometimes becoming aware is the transformation. 

Other times, it takes more work. 

Awareness is the first key. But the thing with awareness is that once you are aware of a problem you must make the choice to do something about it. This is where so many people give up. Choosing to take ownership of our lives is challenging. It’s easy to live a small miserable life. Just look around, we all do it in some ways and we reflect it in each other. 

We tell each other stories like…

  • Relationships are hard
  • I don’t get along with women/men
  • At least I have a job
  • I earned this cheesecake

Only you can hold yourself accountable. 

As Seth Godin likes to say, “Putting yourself on the hook.”

Part of changing your energy around fear is choosing something different than the day before. This is where things get sticky. 

It’s time to own your role in your current circumstance and choose a different path. This might look like switching your internal dialog to…

  • I choose to eat healthy because I love my body.
  • I choose to accept my family for who they are because I love them and trust them to walk their own path towards love.
  • I choose to get up early and meditate because it clears my head for a busy day.
  • I choose to wait for Mr. Right instead of settling for the wrong person. 

Take Back Your Power

No one is going to go to the gym or eat healthy for you. You must choose to walk the path to self-love and begin these healthy rituals on your own. It will take some work, but once you see how good you can feel it will get easier. 

Now that you feel better you start to look back and wonder why you ever let yourself feel so bad. Energy attracts energy, so the road of fear you were walking comes to a crossroads with love and now you can start living in this new path. The way you were meant to live; in love. 

A whole new world will open up to you once you decide that you are worth living in alignment with love. Love is our natural state. Just look at any baby and you can see the trust and love. They don’t question the way they look, or their intelligence, they just live in the energy of love and let their needs be met. 

You can too. 

Sure being an adult takes more than crying to get our needs met, but that’s the joy. Taking responsibility can feel overwhelming but how do you feel now? Is living in fear serving you? Or are you just surviving? What energy are you bringing into your life? And what energy would you like to attract? 

You have the power in you to make that shift now! And it begins with awareness. Meet me on the path to love. There are others here, like us, encouraging and helpful and unlearning their fear-based mindset so we can light up the world together. 

Finding Joy in the Mundane

Everyday Solutions to Create a More Joyful Life

Finding joy is something we all want more of in our lives. From day to day it’s easy to find ourselves falling into a routine that no longer excites us. Driving the same route to work day after day gets boring and mundane. We forget to observe the beautiful arching birch trees that line our path or even notice the mountain range that peeks out on a nice sunny day. By taking time to notice these simple pleasures you have the power to turn the mundane into the extraordinary. 

Here are 5 ways you can use your ordinary routine to find joy.

  1. Stop Waiting to be Happy

Sometimes it seems as though we are waiting for something to be happy about. We forget that every moment is an opportunity to be happy. 

Negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts, so we begin to replace joy with anger. 

We all know that person who can be in a room full of laughter and be pissed off in the corner. You might even try to include this person and they just attempt to bring you down with their negative take on the situation. They have decided that they need a reason to be happy. How can they possibly be happy when…

  • They have back pain
  • Their marriage fell apart
  • They have cancer
  • They lost their job

Whatever negative thoughts they focus on quite literally steal their happiness; they’re unaware of all the joy that surrounds them.

We’ve all been guilty of this on some level. We’ve let our ego keep us focused on what we don’t have. But the reality is that you can begin to feel happier, more productive, and successful right now just by focusing on what you do have. Your thinking changes your perspective which is awesome! It means you can start creating joy in your life right now just by deciding to.

  1. Appreciate the Little Things

My honey-bunny cooks dinner for me almost every night. It’s not something that has ever been discussed or talked about. He’s just the family cook. After 13 years together I’ve gotten used to being spoiled and forget how nice it is that I don’t need to think about dinner night after night. He carries that burden for us. I will note that both he and I enjoy his cooking much more than we like mine, but that doesn’t mean his seamless effort should go without thanks. 

Maybe you too are enjoying the efforts of someone lightening your load. Or maybe it’s taking time to appreciate all of the conveniences of modern-day life –Things that are done for us without us even realizing. 

  • Doors slide open for you as you approach
  • Traffic lights keep us running on a smooth schedule
  • Your cell phone carries all the information you could ever need
  • Your refrigerator that keeps your food from spoiling
  • Hot water when you take a shower

Start a list of the little things in your life that deserve appreciation and start thanking people and things for helping support you through this journey.

  1. Take Care of Yourself

I don’t know what it is about self-care that people are so resistant to. The guilt that comes along with a spa day is sometimes more stressful than worth it. The fact of the matter is that when you take care of yourself you have more to give out to those around you. Motivational speaker Lisa Nichols has a quote I love… 

“Your job is to fill your own cup, so it overflows. Then you can serve others, joyfully, from your saucer”

The idea is to fill your own cup first.

If you struggle with self-care I suggest making a list of all the things you have to do and then deciding what on the list is major and what is minor. Then you can clear space in your mind for indulging in an afternoon off instead of spending the whole time thinking about the laundry or cleaning the bathroom. 

  1. Don’t Worry so Much

I know this is a tough one. How can you stop yourself from worrying about all the things? Practice, that’s how. If you’re stuck in traffic and keep looking from the road to the time and with each passing minute you’re worried about how late you will be to work, or dinner, or the kids’ activities, you can’t help but worry. In an era of cell phones, you can let people know you’re running late. 

It really is that simple. 

What tends to happen though is even after you’ve let everyone know what’s happening you are still fixated on getting there on time. 

What if you start training yourself to give over to the moment? 

Calls have been made and you will arrive when you arrive. Imagine yourself showing up calm and ready instead of late and frazzled. If you start to train yourself to worry less you will find yourself worrying less. Then when you’re running late you can know this is not a personal reflection on who you are as a person, but a circumstance you are in. 

  1. Practice Breathwork!

A daily practice of functional breathing is simple…not easy. Taking 5 minutes to sit yourself down and focus on nothing but your breath helps pull your mind out of the body. This offers you a break from the daily lists and scenarios that swirl around in your head. For 5 minutes you have the opportunity to just feel your body expand and contract. 

In five minutes you can turn your whole day around. By rebalancing your nervous system you are able to remain calm and in the flow of life even when things get hectic. And when you are coming from a calm place it’s easier to notice the joy that surrounds you. It also helps you build a better relationship with your body and intuition. 

When life feels mundane, learn to look for joy. True happiness lies here in our everyday experiences. 

I’m not suggesting that every moment needs to be happy and joyful, but I am saying that joy surrounds you at any given moment. 

Even when life feels like a pressure cooker there are lessons to be learned and reasons to find joy. It’s all a matter of how we choose to view the situation. 

I hope this list offers you an opening to joy the next time you find yourself stuck in the endless mundane of your everyday life. 

Breaking the Habit of Hesitation

Release the Idea of Needing Motivation, and Start Taking Action Today!

Many aspiring entrepreneurs constantly live in a state of limbo. They have great ideas, but they’re not quite sure if they should pursue them or not because it could be too risky. The thought of taking the leap into something new is paralyzing to some people– and for good reason! It can be an intimidating task, which is why I’m here to tell you that there’s no need to hesitate anymore. 

You don’t have to keep waiting around for someone else to invest in your idea; just take action and start making things happen. If you’re uncomfortable then you are on the right track. If this sounds like you then this blog post is perfect because it’s time we break the habit of hesitation once and for all.

It’s easy to look at someone you admire who has success and start to believe that they possess something you don’t. That success came easy to them or that they are full of motivation. You’ve bought into this idea that at some point you too will have the courage and confidence to pursue your dreams. 

You know how it goes… 

  • Once I have more money I will do it.
  • Once I lose weight I will start.
  • Once the kids are out of the house I can focus on myself.
  • Once I get that promotion things will change.

These hesitations are keeping you stuck. I know because I’ve been there too, and I know that someday will never come unless you decide to make it happen. 

Right now.

Where you are.

With what you have.

Begin Today!

I have a lifelong friend who is such an inspiration. She’s a single mom who started her custom clothing line while living in a 500 square-foot studio apartment. She’d always wanted to go for it, but the time was never right. Stuck at home with an infant and in a place of needing to figure it out, she went all in. 

Today she has a successful clothing line making custom clothes exclusively for the wives, girlfriends, parents, and children of professional athletes. A niche industry that caters to helping family members stand out in the stadium on game day. 

She created a market out of need and found success when she let hesitation go. 

She was not confident when she was setting up her printer between the baby’s crib and the small kitchen surface she had. But she decided to go for it and it completely changed her life. 

Hesitation Brings Doubt

Somewhere along the line, we decided it was more comfortable to stay stuck dreaming about our future lives than actually taking the steps to create that dream life. We started relying on the voice of hesitation. Our brains are designed to protect us from danger and anything unknown is a potential threat. Hesitation is our reasoning mind thinking it’s keeping us safe. But in order to start that business, be that partner, follow that dream, you are going to have to spend a little time in uncertainty.

Mel Robbin’s book, “The 5 Second Rule”, talks about this. She says it’s responsible for changing the course of her life. She says “If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it.” She suggests when you have an idea you give yourself 5 seconds to act on it. Literally doing a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown to propel you into action. 

When you think about all the things you’re going to do tomorrow it’s easy. Your mind is motivated to say…

  • I’m going to get up early and meditate tomorrow
  • I’m going to start eating healthily tomorrow
  • I’m starting my gym routine tomorrow
  • I’m starting to put pen to paper on my book tomorrow

And you really mean it! You’re seriously ready. But then the next day you just aren’t motivated to do it. You’ve already hesitated on the idea, what’s one more day? You can always start tomorrow. And it’s true, you can always start tomorrow, but if you’re waiting for motivation or courage, or confidence to get started then you will never begin.

As amazing as your ideas are, nothing happens if you don’t get yourself up and moving. 

You’re never going to feel like doing the scary stuff–the stuff that requires learning new skills that intimidate you like taking control of your finances or learning the dynamics of solid SEO skills. You will always only feel motivated to do the things that are easy and that feel good. But I’m sorry to tell you that is not the way to success. 

Successful people show up and do the work even when they aren’t motivated or sure what will happen. They understand that it’s more important to be consistent than to be motivated or confident. They just keep on keepin on.

Breathwork for Hesitation

When you feel a strong urge to move on something and hesitate, your brain starts to rationalize all the reasons why you are right for hesitating. You can train yourself to act by utilizing Mel Robbins 5 Second rule, or you can turn to your breath. 

Whenever I have a big decision to make I sit down on my mat and breathe. I ask for clarity and do alternate nostril breathing, balancing out the two hemispheres of my brain so I can get in tune with my inner knowing. Using that knowledge–that gut feeling that my heart is leading me to do–I can easily begin down a road without hesitation. Now having a foundation of trust within my heart. 

Intuitively I always know which way I want to go, but when I hesitate doubt will have me sitting in limbo for far too long. Alternate nostril breathing has helped push that mind-chatter out, leaving me clear and concise on the direction I need to go. 

Alternate Nostril Breathing

  • Find a comfortable seat on a meditation pillow.
  • Be sure you are sitting with a nice straight spine, shoulders rolled back and down, with your chin slightly tucked. 
  • Close your eyes and begin to focus on your breath.
  • Ask yourself: Why am I hesitating on this decision?
  • Place your right hand in a pranayama mudra (fancy hand placement) by tucking your first two fingers into the palm of your hand, allowing the ring and pinky to remain as straight as possible. 
  • Bring your right thumb up to plug your right nostril and inhale for 4 seconds starting through the left nostril only. 
  • Use your ring and pinky figures to pinch the left nostril as you hold your breath.
  • Release your thumb from the right side and exhale for 4 seconds. 
  • Stay here and inhale into your right nostril for 4 seconds.
  • Pinch your thumb to your right nostril while holding your breath.
  • Release your ring and pinky fingers and exhale 4 seconds out of your left nostril.
  • You have completed 1 full round. 
  • Repeat these steps for 5-10 more rounds to find balance and clarity.

However you decide to work on your habit of hesitation is fine. We all have different ways of moving into clarity. The reality is that there is more information in this world and choices to be made than you have time for. So decide what is the right path for you and then get out of your way so you can do the work. 

Doubt will always be there, but it doesn’t need to be behind the wheel. Take control of your life by moving into a place of action and see how quickly things begin to change. 

I’d love to hear from you! Let me know how alternate nostril breathing is working for your decision-making or what other tips and tricks you use to help beat the hesitation within you. 

Shifting Your Lens Towards Gratitude

A Month-Long Approach in Focusing on the Positive

It’s natural of us to get wrapped into the messiness of life. The stress of our everyday routine can be overwhelming and often demanding of our attention. November is the national month of gratitude, perfect as we gear up for Thanksgiving and all the chaos of the holidays. A perfect time to reflect on all that the year has given us. Gratitude invites us back to the present moment. An offering of peace that is found in the simple pleasure of the present moment. For it is in the present moment that we are whole. 

Practicing gratitude is an offering to ourselves and a blessing to those around us. It helps us see the world through gentle eyes and with an open heart. Bringing in new perspectives of the churning thoughts that consume our every day and revealing a fresh take on old lingering problems. 

Struggle and Heartbreak

We all go through times of struggle and heartbreak. Yet even in those low moments, we can find something to be grateful for. You must decide to see the good. A practice of deep gratitude doesn’t cancel out what’s challenging in our lives, but it does help us see the good. It’s all about the lens we focus on. 

It’s easy in today’s world to see how divided we’ve become. Almost every issue we hear about on the news is polarized by strong opinions. Us vs. them is the current mindset, and we have become used to a society that pulls others down instead of lifting others up. 

One of the great sages of our time, Fred Rogers, reminds us… 

“Imagine what real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered, as a matter of course, just one kind word to another person.”

When you offer a kind thought, word, or deed out into the world it lifts us all up. 

  • You are lifted by the practice of doing.
  • Others are lifted in the gift of being seen, hear, felt, loved.

A practice in gratitude raises your energy. Others begin to take note and say…”What are they doing differently? And how can I create that in my own life.”

The Secret to Happiness

Skeptics everywhere like to put simple things like gratitude aside. Turning their focus towards more complex formulas needed towards building a happy life. Some will even argue that taking a pill is the answer to a more balanced fulfilled life. Yet study after study has shown a link between well-being and gratitude. 

It’s important for all of us to remember that the stories and situations in our lives are just that. Stories. We determine the weight to which we give them. More often than not the weight of the world isn’t on our shoulders, but in our minds. 

Gratitude shifts us out of those spirals, and into more balanced practices. Shifting your lens is sometimes all it takes to help you out of an uncomfortable situation. 

Author, Gretchen Rubin proves this in her book, “The Happiness Project”. In it, she takes you with her on a journey through a year into daily practices designed to generate more happiness in her life. What did she find? That as energy shifts, more abundance appeared in her life. Simple things like singing in the morning, a gratitude journal, and being more present in the daily moments turned her into a New York Times Bestselling Author. 

My Gratitude Offering

As I embark on this new journey of bringing my breath coach business online, I decided to jump on the Gratitude bandwagon this November by offering a weekly talk about gratitude. Each Thursday at 7pm I will go live on Facebook. For 20 minutes we will dive into that week’s topic for grace and pair it with a breathing practice linked to a gratitude mantra. 

Join me on Breath Mindset on November 4th, 11th, 18th, and 25th (Yes, on Thanksgiving) at 7pm. Listen, Breathe, ask questions, and raise your energy through the power of gratitude. 

Topics to be discussed

Week 1 – Thank you!

Giving thanks is what gratitude is all about. In the first week of lives, we will have a short chat about the power of saying thank you. You will leave with a list of “easy for you” opportunities to say thank you and we will pair it with a quick breathing exercise in thanks.

Week 2 – Everyday Life

Because so much of our daily routines are done automatically we might be looking over the brilliance of the view from our backyard, or the hot water in our showers. This week we will talk about finding gratitude in our everyday routines and ways to help keep us present in the mundane. 

Week 3 – Laughter

We are busy and with all that running around we forget to enjoy the moments. One of the fastest ways to find yourself immersed in a moment is through laughter. When was the last time you belly laughed? Perhaps you’re taking things too seriously and need to utilize that laughter lens to help you lighten up. Week 3 we will chat tools and tips towards bringing a sense of play into your daily routine.

Week 4 – Family

On Thanksgiving Day we will talk about family. The family you’re with, the family you’ve lost, and the family you could do without. Every family is a mixed bag of comfort and irritation. This week we will breathe through some shifts to make time with family the most enjoyable, even when Aunt Sue and Grandma Ray engage in their yearly holiday blow-out. 

Join the Conversation

Whether you can join me live, or prefer to watch the replays, November is a great time to reflect on all we have to be grateful for. For instance, being able to chat with readers like you from all over the globe. Thank you internet!

You are one Pinterest search away from an endless stream of gratitude challenges. Join in and become an observer in your own experience. Even if it feels silly, engage in a new way of thinking or develop your practice even more. 

Now more than ever a kind word and an open heart are needed. 

Drop me a message and share what you are doing to bring gratitude into your life.